Boyhood Backstory

A bit about The Specifics today...

In January 2010 I started coming out to my family as transmasculine.  I didn’t have all of the vocabulary for what I was feeling, but I knew I was ready to start presenting as male rather than just expressing masculinity.  I had asked a few people who were close to me to use male pronouns and I began asking that of people who were interacting with me in the day to day as well.  About three years earlier, I had changed my name legally to a gender neutral name - I was not entirely aware of how it would function in my gender journey at the time and certainly did not tell anyone about the importance of gender neutrality when I made the change, but it started to become obvious when I began my social transition. 

Unsure of what medical journey I would take, I knew I wanted to be able to see myself as an adult and I had a lot of dysphoria around my chest but I was hesitant of a lot of pieces that come with medical transition. 

I don’t like needles.

I don’t like surgery.

Fuck, I don’t even really like doctors.

I looked into laws around medical transition in CO (where I am from) and the first place to start was with a therapist that could write me a letter.  It was my understanding that six months of therapy would get me my Golden Man Ticket and I could be out of there so I arranged to see the therapist once a month.  It was a 90 minute drive from my house and I pretty much thought I just had to sit there and talk about how much I hated being in my body to convince her to write me a letter.   After three sessions I asked her if we could fudge the time to get a letter written and she informed me that the time didn’t start until we were seeing each other weekly.  I didn’t see her after that and started to feel a bit helpless.

…I was engaged to my partner at the time who was supportive but also nervous.  My family was nervous.  My dad was a well known business owner in our conservative town and he told me that if I chose not to transition, he would help me get any job or place to live in town.  He didn’t tell me the alternative, but my mind filled in the blanks.

I was nervous enough already, and being a natural people pleaser I knew following my own journey meant taking a break from some of these voices.

In June of 2011, I packed up my car and headed to California to find the first clinic that would offer me testosterone with informed consent and I found it in Sacramento.  I got my blood work done and within 4 days I had a prescription. 

I was pretty clueless at the time of all of the things beyond medical that I may experience from finally being able to grow up and have the world watch me come into manhood.  It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

I ended up moving to San Francisco after meeting a couple of amazing trans men in a bar at a Coyote Grace concert.  I didn’t have a place to stay and ended up on their couch for two years, but that’s another story for another time.

I took testosterone for about 20 months and after being off of T for 10 months, I recently got back on.

And that is why I am writing here, now.  Going through puberty at hyper speed can be overwhelming.  I remember a trans brother of mine telling me to keep a journal, be cautious of getting a girlfriend and PAY ATTENTION because you will wake up in two years with a beard and wonder how it happened.

So as my queer visibility slips away along with the width of my hips, I am watching myself grow up - At 27 years old, still looking like I am 15.  I am exhausted and exhilarated and excited and terrified all at the same time. 

But I guess that’s all a part of the human experience.

So thanks friends for having this little cyberhole for me to through my thoughts and rants into.

Much love