UN-Doing the Questioning

As a trans person - I have a history of being questioned.

—- Questioning my identity —-
—- Questioning the choices I make regarding my body —-
—- Questioning my masculinity —-
—- Questioning my ability to make choices around family and partnership —-
—- Questioning my ability to be a good role model —-

As a polyamorous person - I have a history of being questioned.

—- Questioning my partners’ dedication to me —-
—- Questioning my dedication to my partners —-
—- Questioning my ability to be a good partner —-
—- Questioning my ability to make choices around family and children —-
—- Questioning my ability to by a good parent —-

As a person affected with bipolar diagnoses - I have been trained to question myself

—- Questioning my capacity to cope with feelings —-
—- Questioning my ability to manage relationships —-
—- Questioning my capacity to support my partners —-
—- Questioning the choices I make around my body and healthcare —-
—- Questioning my ability to make choices for myself —-

I am here. I am clear. And I no longer shake from the medicines I used to take.

(As the fog continues to clear - I can start to truly reflect on past, present and future.  Photo taken by me.)

Family Healing

I’ll be honest, I haven’t been the type that spends a lot of time educating and babying my family. Through my first few big “coming outs” I came to a place where I believed in the ideas of needing to come out and explain my desires, my body, my emotional process, etc. to people that I had a rather simple relationship with - Really didn’t work for me.

My family and I…
We love each other.
We want each other to be happy.
AND we pretty much disagree on every social issue that has ever come up.

So in my experience, looking to get a stamp of approval or be patient through my family’s inadvertent gender shaming and recitations on why I couldn’t possibly deserve agency over my decisions - wasn’t for me.

I pretty much came out, bags packed, and moved my happy ass a thousand miles away from anyone who would tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my body.

My family wasn’t very pleased.
But I knew I was doing something I needed to stay alive.

I tried to tune out the judgements and just did my adult thang.

That was about 4 years ago now and things are not always easy.

But today I talked on the phone with my sister. We have had big BIG challenges. And today something happened.

She told me she understood. Not all the way, and not even about anything surrounding my gender.

But she understood why I had to go, why I don’t call my father any more, why I decided to let my parents do the trying.

(Sometimes the bridges we build are built in the dark - Photo by me)

I have sought out a lot of advice around being in relationship with biological family as a trans person and I have taken almost none of it.

My transition is about honoring my path. None of the advice I found about going slow with my parents resonated with me, so I just didn’t. Because I knew every journey is different and this one was about me. About not letting anyone’s expectations get in the way of my happiness.

So right now, as my father and I are estranged, my mother is drinking too much and my sister and I are basking in gratitude of familial understanding - it’s not perfect.

But I am pretty damn happy for ALL that it is.

365 Days of Finding My Breath

365 days ago, I stopped taking my “medication.”

After two decades of being prescribed at least one pill a day - it has been 365 days without a pill.

365 days without swallowing my pride, swallowing my intuition, swallowing my sense of self trust.

It had been a long time coming and there had been many times before when I stopped taking pills, out of anger and frustration, out of showing them I could “do it,” out of wanting to prove something.

But this time…THIS TIME is different.

This time actually come from a place of faith rather than fear.
This time came from a place of planned out, strategic self care and admiration.
This time it was about ME and what I Want.
This time, somewhere deep down I believed I actually had the power to trust my own emotional capacity enough to live without mood stabilizers.

So here I am - One year without pills and still alive.  Some days with more struggle than others, but ultimately - each day better off than before.

(My medicine looks like this now.  Photo taken by Me)

http://www.theicarusproject.net/downloads/ComingOffPsychDrugsHarmReductGuide2Edonline.pdf

Real Men Buy Tampons.

Actually, I prefer the diva cup most days - But I like this button.

So it is my second month back on The Juice…Last month I had a period that was pretty rough and I talked to my doc about raising my dose slightly.  This month, I am bleeding about 2 weeks late which is annoying because I was pretty pumped about thinking I had that all wrapped up and then much to my dismay, the bleeding began.

I find when I am on a full dose, my acne is out of control so I have been hesitant about ramping up my dose, but bleeding leaves me pretty bummed so I am trying to find a happy medium.

Here are a few things which have made dysphoria around bleeding better:

All joking aside - The diva cup is pretty rad: There is no string dangling to remind you every time you pee and you can let it go without a change for up to 8 hours.  I am hoping to do an extended post on diva cup for masculine of center folks.

Raspberries and dark chocolate: Make my heart, tummy, brain and organs VERY happy.

Herbal teas or smoking mixtures with red raspberry leaf, lavender, motherwort, chamomile and sage.

Movement: Light movement, walking, swimming or yoga but while avoiding inversions.

Binding in my usual binder (underworks tank) is pretty uncomfortable around my waist and hips so I tend to try to wear baggy clothes and bind with sports bras and layering instead to avoid compression on my abdomen. 

Self care and self love - I do things that make me feel happy and good.  I play music.  I write and draw.  I try to stay home and cook for my partner (so we both eat well,) write them love notes and send flirty texts (so we feel even sexier to each other.) I do my best to listen to what my body and spirit want and need.

Feel free to share tips in the comments section...

MENstruation doesn’t have to be so bad.

Manic Mondays

Since this is the first day in a new series, I thought I would introduce another side of Yours truly TransManly Traveler, Otter Shine Miracle.

Of course, we are all three dimensional beings - and often times, the internet makes it easy for us to only discuss one dimension at a time.  I am a big fan of this - It feels orderly, accessible, and mostly...Safe.

Well today, in spirit of my new series Manic Mondays - I'm goin' buck wild, livin' on the edge and bringin in a whole new dimension.  Frankly, it only seems fitting to talk a bit about WHY I blog, and further WHAT inspires me to try to create this safe little virtual corner.

(Living on the edge is often a nice mixture of beautiful and terrifying - photo taken by ME)

As you probably have already gathered, I am a total queermo - A young, trans, vegan, etc. etc. who also happens to have been diagnosed and treated for a number of "mental illnesses." I am now on a different road to recovery that I would like to share with you all.

For the last year, I have been getting to know myself free of pharmaceutical mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics, tranquilizers, and on.  For the first time in two decades, I have been practicing self care as the primary agent in my life.

This is a catalog of my journey of feeling into darkness and shadow. Depth and insight. The mania that is the day and tranquility that is the night. The riches of Fullness and Desire.  And keeping in tune with my breath, the tides, and honoring of spirit. 

Boyhood Backstory

A bit about The Specifics today...

In January 2010 I started coming out to my family as transmasculine.  I didn’t have all of the vocabulary for what I was feeling, but I knew I was ready to start presenting as male rather than just expressing masculinity.  I had asked a few people who were close to me to use male pronouns and I began asking that of people who were interacting with me in the day to day as well.  About three years earlier, I had changed my name legally to a gender neutral name - I was not entirely aware of how it would function in my gender journey at the time and certainly did not tell anyone about the importance of gender neutrality when I made the change, but it started to become obvious when I began my social transition. 

Unsure of what medical journey I would take, I knew I wanted to be able to see myself as an adult and I had a lot of dysphoria around my chest but I was hesitant of a lot of pieces that come with medical transition. 

I don’t like needles.

I don’t like surgery.

Fuck, I don’t even really like doctors.

I looked into laws around medical transition in CO (where I am from) and the first place to start was with a therapist that could write me a letter.  It was my understanding that six months of therapy would get me my Golden Man Ticket and I could be out of there so I arranged to see the therapist once a month.  It was a 90 minute drive from my house and I pretty much thought I just had to sit there and talk about how much I hated being in my body to convince her to write me a letter.   After three sessions I asked her if we could fudge the time to get a letter written and she informed me that the time didn’t start until we were seeing each other weekly.  I didn’t see her after that and started to feel a bit helpless.

…I was engaged to my partner at the time who was supportive but also nervous.  My family was nervous.  My dad was a well known business owner in our conservative town and he told me that if I chose not to transition, he would help me get any job or place to live in town.  He didn’t tell me the alternative, but my mind filled in the blanks.

I was nervous enough already, and being a natural people pleaser I knew following my own journey meant taking a break from some of these voices.

In June of 2011, I packed up my car and headed to California to find the first clinic that would offer me testosterone with informed consent and I found it in Sacramento.  I got my blood work done and within 4 days I had a prescription. 

I was pretty clueless at the time of all of the things beyond medical that I may experience from finally being able to grow up and have the world watch me come into manhood.  It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

I ended up moving to San Francisco after meeting a couple of amazing trans men in a bar at a Coyote Grace concert.  I didn’t have a place to stay and ended up on their couch for two years, but that’s another story for another time.

I took testosterone for about 20 months and after being off of T for 10 months, I recently got back on.

And that is why I am writing here, now.  Going through puberty at hyper speed can be overwhelming.  I remember a trans brother of mine telling me to keep a journal, be cautious of getting a girlfriend and PAY ATTENTION because you will wake up in two years with a beard and wonder how it happened.

So as my queer visibility slips away along with the width of my hips, I am watching myself grow up - At 27 years old, still looking like I am 15.  I am exhausted and exhilarated and excited and terrified all at the same time. 

But I guess that’s all a part of the human experience.

So thanks friends for having this little cyberhole for me to through my thoughts and rants into.

Much love